Thursday, June 18, 2009

Rafting Woes

I mentioned in a previous post that I'm secretly building a raft to survive the possible Waterworld-like post-apocalyptic scenario. I've been having some problems.

I have been building the raft near Watauga Lake, which I'm told is the second cleanest lake in the U.S. (That's part of the problem: More later on that.)

When I attempted a launch last weekend, I discovered a few flaws.

1) I've been building the base of the raft out of Styrofoam packing crates. When I launched the raft, I discovered that all the individual pieces started rubbing together. I hate the noise of Styrofoam rubbing together. It's like my own personal fingernails-on-chalkboard.

2) It turns out that modeling glue melts Styrofoam. Who knew? It's called polystyrene cement. Isn't that also the chemical name for Styrofoam?

3) The state has severe anti-dumping laws in its parks, and the park rangers don't appreciate the sight of fifty-four Styrofoam crates floating around in their lake. I tried to explain that I wasn't dumping, and that I had every intention of collecting the debris of my raft, but power often makes people blind to progress.

It may be a few days before I can post again. I'll have to pick up more shifts at the citrus farm to pay off the hefty fines imposed upon me.

I'm not giving up on the raft idea yet. Failure is seen as a sign of growth for us geniuses. I will keep you all posted in the future.

1 comment:

  1. Any real survivalist knows that Styrofoam has much better uses than to build a mere raft.

    Just follow the simple recipe in this video. In no time at all the roving bands of mutant cannibals you encounter will get a crash course in how hard it can be to extinguish even the most stylish of leather jackets that have been set ablaze by napalm.

    At first they will try to beat out the flames with their misshapen fingers. Then they will simply beg for the comparative mercy of your hunting rifle, but you will just mock their shrill, almost human shrieks.

    “You want to eat ME? How about you eat some of my homemade jelly instead, you stinkin’ muties? HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

    Who among us could possibly doubt that a better world will soon follow from your inspiring example?