Real Coffeehouse Qualifications

I recently posted a rant about what makes a town livable. One of the main features was what I called a "real" coffeehouse.

I've been thinking about it a lot, and I have decided to offer a revised list of qualifications.

1)Must Sell Good Coffee

This should be a no-brainer, but so many coffeehouses sell weak, wet-ashtray-like coffee, and many others use the Starbucks model of overroasted coffee that tastes like they burnt down the village where it was grown (not completely out of the question.)

2) Must Offer a Welcome Atmosphere

I combined several of the others into this one. The coffeehouse must have comfortable chairs or sofas, it must not blare music so loud you get a headache, and it must offer free wireless access and electrical sockets for your laptop.
Basically, it must make you feel as though you are welcome to stay for a couple of hours and brood over your cup of coffee. If they didn't want you to hang out, they shouldn't have opened a coffee shop. Likewise if you do hang out all day, for goodness sakes, buy something every now and then and tip well.

3) Must Allow Tipping

That's right. Not only is it a barista's right to collect tips, it should be your right, your privilege -- nay, your pleasure to help out these bohemian heroes that keep your creative juices flowing.

4) Must Not Have an Agenda

This one is pointedly geared towards people with a political or religious agenda. I'm fine that you have your agenda, but I don't want to hear about your religion, and while I'm a feminist sympathizer of the first degree, I don't think you should stare angrily at me while I drink my espresso. (You know who you are.) I just came for coffee.

Just my thoughts.

All I Want is a Real Friggin' Coffeehouse

I really only have a short list of needs from a town to make it livable. Here's my list:

1. Must be pedestrian friendly
2. Must have a good library
3. Must have good parks
4. Must have a collection of interesting creative people
5. Must have real coffeehouses

The town I'm living in right now doesn't have a single real coffeehouse.
Let me tell you what I mean by a "real" coffeehouse. A real coffeehouse sells good coffee, has free wireless internet access and electrical sockets, doesn't blast loud music while you're trying to relax, and is open early to late.

The town I'm in has a Starbucks. They don't sell coffee. They do sell some kind of dark strong drink similar to coffee. I'm not sure, but it may be made from burnt rubber.

The town I'm in has several "Christian coffeehouses." I have no problem with Christians, but they need to stay out of the coffee business. They charge people for silly little things like whipped cream, etc., and you have to beg for the password to use their internet.

There used to be one real coffeehouse in town. It's still there, but the owner got tired of fighting the city government and now opens at noon. It turns into a bar at 6pm. That gives me a 6 hour window to get my work done. They also blast music so loud I can't hear myself scream at them to turn it down.

I have taken to driving 70 miles to the nearest real town. What has this country come to?